Life Well Lived?
Does this question haunt you? It haunts me.
The question is…”What will give me the satisfaction of a life well lived?”
I thought I knew. I thought I was living it. Then it changed. Now, I am creating change.
So more questions arise.
What does this even mean?
What do I need to do to accomplish this satisfaction?
Who do I want with me?
Where do I want to be?
How do I make it happen?
Do all these questions have to be answered so that at the end of my life, I am not regretting all the things I haven’t done? I know I have complicated my life by moving to the farm, but I still want to travel and visit my kids as they move around the country.
As a widow, every single day, I look around and say, “How the fuck did I end up in this place without my husband?” I can’t apologize for the language because that is how I feel. Sometimes, you just have to swear it out. The frustration and hurt have nowhere else to go. So I yell it out loudly.
I come back to the first question. What will give me the satisfaction of a life well lived?
I am currently taking a course to become a Horse-Facilitated Grief Guide, and we are talking about different kinds of losses that are grieved. The current week is called Specific Losses. In 2021, I experienced 5 of the 7 listed. My husband accounts for 3 of them, so maybe that’s not a fair analysis. But they were experienced and will forever be with me. Grief never goes away. You learn to live with your grief.
The word “satisfaction” is the tricky word in that question. When you look at how you have lived your life, how much actual effort has gone into it to be satisfied with the direction you are moving. I think we really don’t pay much attention to the direction in which we are moving.
Like a boat on a river with the oars out of the water, the current slides you along through the river of life. Putting the oars in the water and creating a direction isn’t always easy or smooth. The river throws white water and big waves at you, pushing you back when you have made some progress. All kinds of obstacles, from rocks to whirlpools, can appear. Do you fight through the brutal battles while intending to find the smooth, calm water that you know will eventually arrive?
Maybe the satisfaction is knowing that you kept moving forward, moving through the obstacles with a plan and thoughtful direction regarding things you want to accomplish or items on your bucket list completed.
I can’t answer all the questions I listed at the beginning of this little note, but I do know that I am trying to figure it all out intentionally. I have a bucket list on the corkboard of my office, and I am checking things off that list one by one. Having completed some of these will give me the satisfaction of not staying stuck in my grief or circumstances that have led me to this new place.
For better or worse, life is still worth living. (Swearing helps in the hard times!)
Thanks for reading. I hope this helps or at least makes you ponder.
Jill (11/24)
At Liberty Connections Farm
Life Happens. Horses Help
