A Swan, A Dog and A Woman walk into the future.
So I was kind of stranded in Santa Fe, New Mexico, due to a cancelled airline flight. SF has a nice little tourist area that is loaded with Art and jewelry shops mixed in with the tourist t shirts and blankets.
I have been thinking about Pete a lot this weekend. I was here for a Neuroscience look at Life Coaching and met some incredible people who held space for me as the grief popped its head up to say Hi. I think he was even in a couple of my dreams, which has not happened since his death. Maybe I’m closer to heaven here so he senses that I need to hear from him. The area is filled with the feeling of grace and healing.
I took my wedding rings off soon after Pete’s death. Anger and grief were too strong for me to look down at my hand and remember the previous 39 years. So many years and memories of us growing from kids into a partnership that I thought would end very, very much later in my life. Our marriage was pretty great.
So I was in Santa Fe among all the crowds and locals. This was the first for me to truly expose myself to being single among all the groups. It’s funny how vulnerable you feel walking down the street, thinking that everyone knows you are alone. I even found myself staying close to groups, pretending that I was with them. By now, after 22 months, I should be used to this single thing. Nope! Not a minute! No! I am not used to it. I have cried more this weekend than I have in a long time.
Depending on yourself sounds empowering, but it’s not. Not when you have lost your life partner way too soon. The thought of… is this the rest of my future? Travel alone? Not have the person next to you taking care of the navigation, the radio, the dinner choices,the flight reservations, the last look in the room. Sounds so simple to just walk into this single life, but let me tell you. It sucks.
It’s weird how empty my left hand has felt without those rings I wore for 33 years. But I guess it was my quiet rebellion to let Pete know how mad I was at him for leaving me. A fabulous Coach I met at this training watched me breakdown as I talked about diving into the real me. My animal essence, as felt by others at the training, is a Swan. The swan is a soulful, intuitive being that guides with care and soft energy. The other energy picked for me was “the dog”. The happy-go-lucky person who puts everyone before themselves. For years I have pulled my dog energy into my world because that’s what people want to see. No one wants the quiet, soulful swan. That can be intimidating to them and makes me seem a bit unapproachable or Aloof. I learned that, but I have always known when I’m being my authentic self, I’m not as fun.
So, back to the first part of the story, my wedding rings. The engagement ring I had the diamond put into a pendant that is on a gold chain, which my kids gifted me on the first Christmas. The wedding band, which was my Great Grandmother’s, sits in a safe for the next generation that might want it. This ring is engraved. EM Oct. 21, 81. That’s 1881 for those who are curious. I knew that band would be mine when I was a teenager. I cherish it to be this day.
So my left hand has been empty. Empty of the physical symbol of our love to the emptiness i have felt to this minute and will continue on.
Today. I filled that hand back up. It’s crazy how comfortable it is to wear a ring on the third finger of my left hand. It feels whole again. I understand this is called a Widows Ring. A ring to hold the space for what was lost and maybe for what’s to come. I love this ring. I saw it and knew that it should grace my hand. It’s not fancy, but it’s called The Lilly Pad. When I think of Lilly pads, I think of a quiet pond that is full of life. Frogs croaking, dragonflies flitting about, and beautiful white flowers atop the Lilly Pads.
This sure symbolizes where I am comfortable. I forgot to add a graceful swan with a pretty new gold band on its neck swimming among the life. ❤️🦢
